Dearest Helen,

What spice and joy you added to my life!

I never knew you as well as I'd liked. I'm one of those girls who watch women like you and Conna do insanely fun things from the sidelines. Not because it's safe there, but because I just don't have the mental/emotional agility to think up those kinds of things, and I lack the personality to be able to carry them off. You never had those problems.

I can't remember if it was your birthday or Conna's that the two of you led a large group of our friends into a local firehouse and got the firemen to serenade the birthday girl with "Happy Birthday". All because the one said she'd always wanted to be serenaded by firemen and the other took up the call to make it happen. See, that kinda stuff I just never would've thought up -- or had the personality to carry it off (except if Conna was there egging me on...).

You were always in that "cool" group of people I couldn't quite fit into -- though Wendy and Conna always brought me in anyway, and I tried real hard to fit in. But I still ended up watching you from a little distance and envying your energy and love of life.

There are so many little things of you that remain as pictures in my mind! Your laugh, what a joyous sound! Your wit and your smile. Your car... I know, that's a really weird one. But for some reason I remember your Nissan. I remember one night when you were staying with me for a brief time, you asked if I would move it for you and as I backed out of my long driveway, I thought, "she has a cool car. I wonder if I got one of these I would be almost as cool as Helen.... naw, probably not..."

Some people are brought into your life only for a season. Wendy's perfected the art of not letting this happen if she can help it. :) But regardless of what we try, some people just aren't meant to belong in our small circle forever.

I guess you were just one of those people I wasn't meant to keep. As you struggled with the cancer, I stood amazed and dumbstruck at your resilience, resistance and refusal to just lay down and die. I must admit, though this may sound cruel, I had counted you as "dead in a few weeks" more times in the last few years than I care to remember. Yet each time you bounced back. Each time you beat the odds, beat the cancer down and once again triumphed over the indestructible.

I'm so stunned now. I'd come to rely on the "fact" that you would always be there as my model/encouragement/challenge to fight hard, never give up and beat the odds every time. See, the last 3 years or so have been dark, dark times for me. The darkest I've ever walked through. I'm weighed down with grief, despair and depression. I can't figure out why I'm alive or what the purpose of this things called "Life" is. But each time I've hit my lowest points, my heart has gone back to you and your fight. And I remind myself that this beautiful, amazing, dynamic woman of strength is fighting the battle of all our lives and if she can keep going, keep hoping, and laugh in the face of death, then so can I. It probably sounds selfish to think of my puny loss of you as my strongest inspiration, especially in light of your realized glory in the presence of Jesus. But your death was a severe blow to my soul and I feel a little lost now.

My friend Julie gave me a pink "Breast Cancer Awareness" bracelet a couple of weeks ago in honor of her sister, Nancy, who's currently battling it. I wore it off and on until you died. Now I wear it every day. It reminds me of you, and the battle you waged. You did not go gently into that good night.

That bracelet also reminds me of my She Community. Past, present and future. Wendy, Conna, Debbie, Joyce, Irene, Kat, Niza, Leticia, Sylvia, Nina, Cathy and Julie... It reminds me that some women will pass in and out of my life, as you did, some will linger for a while, and some will park for a lifetime. But all will leave their mark. All will leave an indelible imprint on my soul where their lives have pressed in upon mine, our hearts have bled together and our souls intermingled until we look like, sound like, act like one another. Each will leave me covered in God-dust as we walk through Life side-by-side, or one behind the other. I hope the God-dust I cover others with is as potent and life-permeating as your God-dust was.

We miss you, my friend.