Poem by Helen

To Dream

Mounting my Pegusus

Going

Being

Really Existing

Surmounting Heights seen, unseen

My Wings Wind

YOUR BELIEF IN ME


(I came to bring them life... FAR more life)

Written by Helen on blackboard in 2001

[Re-posted from August - ]

Helen,

I'm sitting here still trying to accept that you will be out of my life for a while. I know I will see you again, but I don't know when and I don't know what you will be like then. I would really like to talk to you now about losing a friend (you) and ask you to pray with me about it. You would probably suggest we pray before I could even ask you anyway.

There are so many things I never said and so many things we never did and so much time was wasted on procrastination, financial concerns, and timing issues. That time could have been spent talking on the phone, driving to Houston or just writing you a letter.

Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for making me think. Thank you for making me pray. I miss you, Hellipoo...

but save me a seat, will ya?

- Conna

Dearest Helen,

As I write these words I'm thinking about the first time we met, at a life group here in Whittier. You talked about your passion for rock climbing and argued vehemently with another girl about the importance of not simply waiting on the Lord our whole lives, but taking action when He calls us.

Passionate, charming, intelligent, stubborn--these were my initial impressions of you. Your down-home expressions like "tickled pink" reminded me of the only other person I ever knew who said them--my mother!

As the years went by we didn't see much of each other, only in passing. We started communicating regularly after you were diagnosed. I felt compelled to pray for you immediately each time I received an email update--I was always deeply affected by your unwavering faith and humor in the face of what must have been unbearable pain, fear, and uncertainty. I remember driving like a madman through the streets of Pasadena to visit you while you were staying with the elderly woman (I've forgotten her name) and staying up with Wendy and Ron singing songs and wanting so badly to cheer you up, if only for a little while. You were so tiny and frail, and breathing was an ordeal for you, yet you were the strongest person I've ever known, unshakeable in your faith, refusing to feel sorry for yourself, and tackling life with an optimism and a joy few of us ever know. And most of all I remember
kissing you on the cheek before I left and telling you we were all praying for you, and feeling your soft kiss on my own cheek. "I know", you said. "I know."

That was the last time I saw you. I'm sorry I never got the chance to know you better or spend more time with you, Helen. But I'm so thankful that at least I had the chance to tell you what you meant to me. I'd love to live just one day with your enthusiasm, your fearlessness, your courage. You're gone from us now, but you left behind the footprints of a life that humbles us all. And in death your spirit touches the hearts and minds of all of us who were lucky enough to have known you.

In love and gratitude,

Marcus Gerakos

Memorial

7:30

Friday, August 12, 2005

Huntington Beach, CA


Held at the residence of Debbie Small
19332 Newhaven lane
Huntington Beach, CA 92646


We would love for Helen’s family, parents, sister, brothers, nieces and nephews to see that part of Helen that we all knew… if you can not make it can you please email Deb Small smalldeb@socal.rr.com with notes, pictures or post a note on her blog: (email cook@usc.edu for access)..

Deb is going to have her home open from 3:00 on for anyone who would like to go down to Huntington Beach early.

(714) 593-0515, (714) 393-3948

Miss Helen

It is true that the reality of Helen's death hits in waves. I find writing about her is a bit surreal... I have a lot of words for other things but in this it is almost as if I am "outside of myself"... it's difficult to write...

... there have been so many memories running through my mind.

There are these moments you become aware of someone else of their link to you and of the reality that you are going to be friends. I remember being outside Shelly/Cindy/Joyce's home in Monterey Park.... and Helen and I talking...I think our first link was really talking about boys... we had the same ones really running in and out of our lives... for a couple of years.

We became partners at weddings... where we would go to the wedding and at the reception .. the moment we felt it was a little too much we would BLAZE out of there..(wedding receptions for single girls in their 30's are not always the most exciting place to be!). I don't know when it was that Helen and I formed a friendship that challenged each other spiritually... she was a prayer warrior..... many times she brought me back to prayer... we would talk through what we felt God was showing us... we were determined to lift each other up and not drag each other down...when she moved to Texas we had a tuesday morning phone call to pray together while I rode to work. She was always challenging others with her insight from the word... her latest book... or thought...

The weaving together of relationships that Lu and Conna talk about was such a beautiful part of our lives... Helen, Conna, Debbie, Lu...(others were in and out of there... Ron & Let, Syl, David, Tony, Darla were in there too) I used to say to these ladies... if we could just get together and agree we could rule the world! :) (Of course ruling the world was never on our minds... we had another passion... another purpose...) There was such passion and purpose in each life. I am still amazed at how each relationship fits a different puzzle piece of our hearts...

One thing that was amazing to me was the ability to entrust relationships to Helen... and all of this group... we all had a passion and a heart for other people to know Jesus the same way we did...it was our purpose... our focus together... and we did lots of things together to focus on each other's friends... When we threw dinner parties/lunches whatever they were amazing.. what a few could do together wow! One of my pics with Sarah and Ara that I hope to post... I love... because Helen loved my friends the moment they walked in the door... and asked about them... she did this with so many including Phyllis and Phil...Bruce... Chris.. Wolf... Ange...so many more....she just ate people up...she loved people and it showed...

I remember funny things like yes her smily faces (thanks LaDawn)... I remember her potato salad, her orange shrimp, her bright colors, her climbing the doorways (she would literally climb up the doorway.).. her little fingers were so strong. Petite, feminine Helen with all her climbing gear, packs, going off to climb... I remember giggles... especially when her and Conna got together ... they had the funniest comedy routines... the intensity of her relationship with Debbie... they just seemed to meet at this place... it was so beautiful to watch her interactions with people... her jokes... she was so funny, her jokes were never that funny in and of themselves... it was her delivery and that she thought they were so funny...that could keep you laughing.

She would challenge me... in so many different ways... spiritually, physicaly... she would tell me to stand up straight... she wouldn't allow me to talk about getting in shape or weight loss... because she said I would do it if I really wanted to. She would go work out with me.. .run/walk with me anytime I asked...

I remember the week-end that Deb, Helen and I went to Las Vegas for a relatives wedding..... we had an amazing time in the car... these gals always are challenging me... we actually read CS Lewis together didn't we... it was amazing... we listened to Louie Armstrong all the way home singing "What a wonderful world"... and we took Charlie's Angels pictures... We identified a lot with our challenges with men, life and ministry. None of us expecting to be single this long... none of us expecting the separations that often came from being who we were...

I watched Helen many times trudge head held high through some of the greatest hurts and difficulties of her life.. hoping trusting waiting on God...I watched her stubbornly hold on to life through physical conditions that no one would want... I watched her watch for other people's needs even in the midst of her own...

I can't say my relationship with Helen was without it's Challenges... you all know that .. I should say... we are both stubborn strong women we had our battles. I look back and there are a lot of things I would change if I could... more moments I would have memorized if I had only known... many times I would have chosen more grace... I do have many regrets... but I know that the next time we meet Helen all those will fade away... because we will have our perfect minds our perfect bodies... we will be the bright shiny new us... you have gone before... but we will meet you there.. and sooner probably than we would ever expect.... we will meet again...

Helen & Phil

Phyllis sent this to us... for Helen when we asked for things for her family thought I would post above what I wrote about Helen & Phil:

I did not know Helen for a long time, but I believe I know a wonderful side of her. I was in L.A. for 8 months caring for my son, Phil. Wendy was a friend of Phil's; he was at USC working on his doctorate. Wendy organized Helen and her pastor from Our Father's Church to visit with us at the hospital in Nov/2002. As soon as they entered the small hosp. room where Phil was on breathing and feeding machines, two lights were present. Helen knew what Phil needed and knew what I needed and she gave. She returned a couple of weeks later and gave again with a wonderful intensity. I was strengthened by her presence and so very much appreciated her energy and caring. All of this time, I did not know that her body was failing her. She never mentioned herself. She has now joined Phil in God's arms. She knows all.
With love to Helen and Wendy,
Phyllis Verma, mother of Phil Brocato


I received this email from Phyllis Verma... my friend Phil's mother. Phil was in a coma and Helen came with me to spend some time with him and pray for him... while she was dealing with her cancer....

From Phyllis -
I shall never forget how Helen was with me in Phil's first room at Q of A - room #33. So focused and such strength. And she was fighting her own battle. I know that she is in God's arms. I pray for her family and friends to have strength and understanding. Love, Phyllis

Crayon Colors

Helen loved primary colors... she was attracted to paintings with bright reds and yellows and blues...... she painted her room when we lived together bright blue and had various prints of paintings she liked up in her room. I grew to love that room and the bright colors.... that she spread across the house. It was the way she lived life bright and strong. This print was one she had up in her room. She purchased it at the Museo Thyssen in Madrid when her and Deb went without me one year.

They didn't want me to feel left out so they brought me back a picture of a "cute" count... they thought I would like! :) BTW: I love that count! :)

I thought I might post notes and remembrances as they come to me...

Dearest Helen,

What spice and joy you added to my life!

I never knew you as well as I'd liked. I'm one of those girls who watch women like you and Conna do insanely fun things from the sidelines. Not because it's safe there, but because I just don't have the mental/emotional agility to think up those kinds of things, and I lack the personality to be able to carry them off. You never had those problems.

I can't remember if it was your birthday or Conna's that the two of you led a large group of our friends into a local firehouse and got the firemen to serenade the birthday girl with "Happy Birthday". All because the one said she'd always wanted to be serenaded by firemen and the other took up the call to make it happen. See, that kinda stuff I just never would've thought up -- or had the personality to carry it off (except if Conna was there egging me on...).

You were always in that "cool" group of people I couldn't quite fit into -- though Wendy and Conna always brought me in anyway, and I tried real hard to fit in. But I still ended up watching you from a little distance and envying your energy and love of life.

There are so many little things of you that remain as pictures in my mind! Your laugh, what a joyous sound! Your wit and your smile. Your car... I know, that's a really weird one. But for some reason I remember your Nissan. I remember one night when you were staying with me for a brief time, you asked if I would move it for you and as I backed out of my long driveway, I thought, "she has a cool car. I wonder if I got one of these I would be almost as cool as Helen.... naw, probably not..."

Some people are brought into your life only for a season. Wendy's perfected the art of not letting this happen if she can help it. :) But regardless of what we try, some people just aren't meant to belong in our small circle forever.

I guess you were just one of those people I wasn't meant to keep. As you struggled with the cancer, I stood amazed and dumbstruck at your resilience, resistance and refusal to just lay down and die. I must admit, though this may sound cruel, I had counted you as "dead in a few weeks" more times in the last few years than I care to remember. Yet each time you bounced back. Each time you beat the odds, beat the cancer down and once again triumphed over the indestructible.

I'm so stunned now. I'd come to rely on the "fact" that you would always be there as my model/encouragement/challenge to fight hard, never give up and beat the odds every time. See, the last 3 years or so have been dark, dark times for me. The darkest I've ever walked through. I'm weighed down with grief, despair and depression. I can't figure out why I'm alive or what the purpose of this things called "Life" is. But each time I've hit my lowest points, my heart has gone back to you and your fight. And I remind myself that this beautiful, amazing, dynamic woman of strength is fighting the battle of all our lives and if she can keep going, keep hoping, and laugh in the face of death, then so can I. It probably sounds selfish to think of my puny loss of you as my strongest inspiration, especially in light of your realized glory in the presence of Jesus. But your death was a severe blow to my soul and I feel a little lost now.

My friend Julie gave me a pink "Breast Cancer Awareness" bracelet a couple of weeks ago in honor of her sister, Nancy, who's currently battling it. I wore it off and on until you died. Now I wear it every day. It reminds me of you, and the battle you waged. You did not go gently into that good night.

That bracelet also reminds me of my She Community. Past, present and future. Wendy, Conna, Debbie, Joyce, Irene, Kat, Niza, Leticia, Sylvia, Nina, Cathy and Julie... It reminds me that some women will pass in and out of my life, as you did, some will linger for a while, and some will park for a lifetime. But all will leave their mark. All will leave an indelible imprint on my soul where their lives have pressed in upon mine, our hearts have bled together and our souls intermingled until we look like, sound like, act like one another. Each will leave me covered in God-dust as we walk through Life side-by-side, or one behind the other. I hope the God-dust I cover others with is as potent and life-permeating as your God-dust was.

We miss you, my friend.

Missed Dearly

Wow... I sat in shock for awhile after I heard the news that you had passed... so frustrated that the way you left, we thought was beat... It has brought this all so much closer to home, to realize that within a blink of an eye things can change.
I am left feeling grateful to have known you, to have been part of the laughter and tears... I remember the little things, like, the post-it-notes left on the fridge in our apartment with your signature winky-eyed smiley face... the on-going and endless Scrabble game we would play as we passed eachother in the apartment... I miss you... I miss your joy and the big smile you'd get on your face when you'd tell me about the lastest and hardest new mountain face you'd climbed... I'd cry with you over the silly boys that somehow over looked your preciousness and love... Our talks about your latest classic novel read or your newest creative endeavor...
The day you called me telling me of your cancer and the uphill battle you'd face with it... and all the while, you kept your eyes on Him... your questions and frustrations were so real over your pain and life-changes because of the cancer but you'd come back to His peace and fight on. Likening it to another mountain face that you'd climb to the top with the help of Jesus...
I miss you and love you but am SO grateful for the joy you brought so many and how you touched others so dearly with your straightforwardedness, your kind smile, and uplifting laugh. I am slightly jealous that you will now be sitting without tears or sorrow, held in the arms of the greatest Lover of all and what a joy you will receive to have seen those treasures stored in heaven because of your faithfulness to Him here on earth! I love you Helen and I miss you! I can't wait to see you again soon! Your loving sister in Christ.

I'm sitting here still trying to accept that you will be out of my life for a while. I know I will see you again, but I don't know when and I don't know what you will be like then. I would really like to talk to you now about losing a friend (you) and ask you to pray with me about it. You would probably suggest we pray before I could even ask you anyway.

There are so many things I never said and so many things we never did and so much time was wasted on procrastination, financial concerns, and timing issues. That time could have been spent talking on the phone, driving to Houston or just writing you a letter.

Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for making me think. Thank you for making me pray. I miss you, Hellipoo...

but save me a seat, will ya?

- Conna